The Space Between Breaths

Right now, at this moment in time I feel suspended.

I had a good cry this morning. My husband found me, an earbud in each ear, sitting in a chair, silhouetted by daylight behind me. There I was, in meditation weeping with fear.

I needed to purge the fear that I have been holding within. Fear of the unknown. That's the hardest of all. I am worried.

Why? My husband has to undergo a test on Monday the results of which could change our lives. I am projecting into the future and I need to stop doing that. All I, or we, have is this moment. And right now there is nothing to fear because there is nothing to know.

This is the space between the breaths that keep me alive. Sometimes it's the scariest place to be until more is learned, and then we pass that hurdle and gain some strength for the next time.

I am going to reconoiter, grab life, stand tall and be strong. Who knows, more might be required of me, right now I need to: Breathe, inhale/exhale; breathe.

Sometimes, the Best Day is a Day Doing Nothing!

I had a birthday this week, and it was a wonderful and lovely day.  On Facebook I received many greetings of joy and good will; found a sign in my kitchen window wishing me a happy birthday; and received a couple of cards in the US Mail. Sometimes it seems I have the audacity to think I am alone in the world, sad and shoeless, but nothing could be further from the truth.

I feel loved by family and smiled at by friends. I think, at times, my perceptions must be off. Am I too needy? Do I expect too much? Buddhist teachings say not to have expectations...why? Because you will, in all likelihood, be disappointed. I have tried to temper my expectations of people and of life. I continue to try and accept that which comes, perhaps not gift-wrapped, but comes nonetheless, and which should be accepted good, bad or in between.

Reaching our own set of human goals takes a lifetime of trying.

What's left of my BD cake. YUM!

Today, just a couple of days after my birthday I am reveling in having a day of quiet and a day of doing absolutely nothing. And it has felt deliciously great and I am not feeling any twinge of guilt at all. I've eaten leftover birthday cake; managed to accidentally delete a program off of my old computer; watched a mindless movie: Alien vs Predator (yes, really); read parts from two different books; and have watched the day dwindle away with no expectations of anything other than just being here and alive.

It's time that I understood that not doing anything doesn't lessen the meaning of life. There are those days when our spirit just wants a little time, just a little peace and solitude where we can stand back and let a day be simply that, a day.